Sometimes not having a boyfriend or girlfriend is what is best — you don’t have to deal with interpreting what a long pause between a text message means, and you can have a blasé attitude about shaving your legs and eating hamburgers in bed. You can also skip the dull “fun” of swiping through dozens of dating profiles and wondering which of these peeps is shorter IRL than on their profile picture.
But then a girl has to satisfy her needs. You know, just a little lovin' to take the edge off. Might I suggest finding yourself a lover? Not friends-with-benefits or an ex-boyfriend you occasionally bone until one of you claims to have feelings and ruins it.
I mean a lover. The Aleksandr Petrovsky guy Sex and the City's Carrie should have kept Aleksandr Petrovsky as, versus the annoying dude she fell in love and moved to Paris with. A lover is someone you can maturely have sex with, without an ounce of shame or an aggressive shaving schedule. You are friends first, who support your endeavors and dreams, without holding each other captive in a relationship. And best of all, you and your lover both know that at some point it'll end. And that’s 100 percent okay.
Related From Vivala: Is THIS the Key to a Lasting Relationship?
Here's how having a lover works . . .
Step one: You just ask
Find someone you are interested in and think will be down and then invite them out to drinks. Have a good time, make a connection, and then gently broach the subject of sex — and simply say that you’re interested in finding a noncommittal, highly sexual friendship.
Step two: Get clear
He’s going to wonder what a noncommittal, sexual friendship means and be curious if you’re serious or not. Trust me — use the word lover here. It has the age-old advantage of meaning something elicit and temporary, and he will automatically frame your intentions in that realm.
Step three: Agree to terms
Hear what your potential future lover has to say and understand what they are interested in. And make sure they hear what you require for this to work. Things like “sex with anyone else must be protected” or “I want to be available to each other like real friends to talk often and support each other’s lifestyles casually — but without exclusivity.” If you belt out your heart’s most honest desires and it feels like the relationship will be worth your time, then get it on.
Even if your vajay is emailing a petition to your brain and demanding to have sex right now, set this off into the future. Wait at least three to five days. Put some distance between yourself and the conversation. Set the tone that this isn’t as cheap as a one night stand or as serious as dating. You’re chill. You’re namaste. And it’s just two adults, thoroughly enjoying the finer things in life.
After that, you’re all set. You’ll meet, probably throw back some Merlot and continue to have a good time, for as long as it makes sense for the both of you to enjoy each other. And unlike casual partners, the hard work at communication really pays off here. Here are some of the benefits:
1. You don’t have to lie about enjoying each other’s company. While friends with benefits, or a "Netflix and chill" relationship will keep you second-guessing what everything means, you and your lover have discussed it ahead of time — and it just means we’re actually friends who respect each other tremendously (and also have great sex).
2. There's no drama. Because you literally don’t give a damn. You expect it . . . and you’re probably doing the same. In fact, over some wine, you sit and talk about it and laugh at both of your adventures. Having a lover is more meta than counting missing condoms from the box. Your friendship is above all that — staying on your grind and enjoying your life is the priority. And you both enjoy keeping each other very accountable to that.
3. The sex is way better. Any relationship that’s built on honest communication is going to have a far better shot at actually leaving you sexually satisfied. And since that is the entire point of your relationship, romps with a lover tend to be far better than sex with a rando partner — who doesn’t prioritize making the entire experience enjoyable.
I like to think of having a lover as sex gone meta. I know when I recently extended the invitation myself to a few candidates the experience was incredibly liberating. I loved soberly asking for what I wanted, and to be unwavering about my stance on being noncommittal. And I loved that the concept tickled them each and how willing they were to play along with the idea.
What can I say — boldly sticking up for myself and asking for exactly what I want in life totally gets me off!
What do you think? Is having a lover possible? Or do you think it’s all just the same as an eff-buddy? I wanna know! Share your thoughts below.