After my best friend’s death followed by a break-up with my boyfriend, I did some serious self-reflecting. Clouded by anger and realizing that I didn’t love myself — harsh, but true — I decided to give my soul a makeover, because while I can firmly say I love sex, I never felt sexy all by myself. For years, I expected men to make me feel sexy and I was no longer comfortable with that. So I signed up for a workshop that focused on bringing better things in your life through meditation, positivity, and reflection exercises and oh, masturbation.
There I was, masturbating in hopes of a better tomorrow.
My first exercise consisted of lighting some candles, wearing lingerie, and inserting a yoni — which literally means sacred temple in sanskrit — egg in my vagina. I learned a yoni egg is used as a tool to help “tone the lower abdomen and strengthen the muscles of the pelvic and urogenital diaphragms, which serve as a floor for all our vital organs. When these muscles are strong they prevent leakage of our vital force and sexual energy and help us to keep it under control,” all in the name of getting to know yourself. I chose a Rose Quartz egg because I needed to learn unconditional love for myself, get over my anger issues, and heal my heart chakra.
So, I placed the yoni egg inside me and started to slow my breathing. Meditating and masturbating all at once? I finally started understanding meditation but throwing masturbation in at the same time made me nervous. But I went for it and felt turned on by for the first time by myself.
I knew my yoni egg was in there, but I couldn’t feel it. Though my sex education from high school was limiting, I knew it wasn’t just going to get lost up there. So, I stood up and pushed it out, and it hit the floor. I looked up in the mirror to see myself somewhat squatting, half naked, with red lipstick smeared across my face (I thought makeup would step up my game). I broke out into such hysterical laughter that I began to cry.
After a bit of practice, I started feeling a lot more sexy for the first time, ever (queue Beyoncé’s "Feelin Myself"). I gave it another try, and hell-o orgasm!
The use of sexual energy with meditation makes it more than an orgasm — it’s being able to open your mind to the idea that, with rising confidence, you can achieve anything. If you’re willing to try this at home, remember that it has more to do with figuring out how to love yourself than it does with getting off. It starts with you, and the important thing to remember is that results take time and lots of patience.
Since then, I have been able to fully integrate both parts into my day. I check myself out in the mirror with a new confidence that finally feels like my own, not one that was given to me thanks to someone else’s gaze. Masturbating is an experience I use to learn about myself for more than just figuring out what I like in the bedroom. I visualize my life and dreams combined, with some self-love and sexual energy used to manifest those dreams.