photo: iStock

The latest in Twitter novels hails from Toronto’s honest gem Makela, a.k.a. @_blotty. There’s no trap phones involved, but in a more realistic twist, Makela brings an everyday issue to life: What does a girl do when she has to go No. 2 on a date? On March 21, Makela delivered us the truth in an 18-tweet story: 

Holding it in wasn’t on her mind, as Makela openly shares in her 18-tweet story. “I am a confident, calm and self-assured woman,” she tweets, “so I felt comfortable popping[sic] in his bathroom.” Spoiler alert: This was a mistake. One that involved wrapping her poo in a wad of toilet paper, and stuffing it inside her purse to quietly protect her dignity. 

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Ay Dios Mio! Here we go!

With what?!?! With what!?! Her bare hands!? I need this detail!

Stop. It. Ingenious, but I just can’t

"And you’re about to smell it at any minute.”

Yup. Cosigning with Tina here.

Duh, girl! Coffee breath alone is reason enough for most people! Come with it!

The Truth About Doing the Doo

The fact that Makela even had to preface her decision to evacuate the dance floor around a guy as being “self-assured" is kinda messed up. Guys have had not a single regretful thought when they’ve taken violent, splattering emergency eliminations in my bathroom on a first date; and yet a girl has to shore up all her nerve and confidence to do something that everyone on the planet does. 

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Why the double standard?

Or is there even one at all? Should every woman have a little more of Makela’s nerve instead of running to the hotel lobby every day on vacation or waiting until he was sleeping at 3 a.m. to use the bathroom? Should we just own up to the fact that on occasion sometimes a woman needs to do things like burp, and fart, and (gasp) drop a deuce and give zero effs what our dudes think about it?

News Flash: Give Less of a Sh*t

Makela’s story did not deter guys from diving in and proclaiming their adoration for her. And when I sat down last week to discuss the idea of women holding back their poo with a few men, they weren't too far off from understanding.

“I think it should happen as soon as possible in a relationship,” says LV, a half black, half Panamanian music producer from Harlem who wanted to keep a sense of professional modesty when it comes to the subject of poop — hence the initials. Between a fit of of giggles, we sat for lunch one day and dove deep into the subject of poop. “All my friends think the same. I don't think that’s not being lady like, that's just having to use the bathroom!”

“Okay, so you two are chilling, and she leaves the room and comes back 20 minutes later. Wouldn’t you say anything?” I asked. “Or you would you call her out?”

“Oh yeah! I would definitely ask her, ‘Did you take a shit?” He admits. “Whether she did or not!” Every time, too!”

Which is a total nightmare, right? I mean, I know a lot of couples who love to talk about the size, shape, and contents of their poop on a daily basis. Hell, I once dated someone who would love to piss me off while I was in the shower, and poop right next to me — just so the smell would permeate the steam and violently attack my nostrils. But even in that relationship, while he was comfortable AF, I still walked down a floor to have some distance between my guy and my bowel movements. What does a girl do if she doesn’t want to talk about it? According to LV, tip-toeing around the subject is specifically the problem.

“Would you consider not bringing it up if she was embarrassed by it?” 

“If she was really embarrassed, yes,” he says. “But there's a difference between fronting and being embarrassed,” i.e., going to the bathroom for 20 minutes and acting like nothing happened.

In other words, ladies, if we want to get away unscathed from a man’s sense of humor about poop, we’re going to have to own it and tell him how to deal with it.

The Further Argument for Owning Your Poop

“I'm pretty sure she should be doing No. 2 as regularly as possible or there'll be bigger problems than getting dumped,” jokes another friend Dan, a principal developer from Indiana who also wanted to keep his pooping advice somewhat off his professional radar. “If you have to adhere to rules or be worried about crap like that, then the person you're in a relationship with . . . well . . . if they care then they probably suck. So poop away.”

Even on vacation? The running around, the no privacy? Poop away?!

“I don't know what magic words to say to make someone not worry about that,” he says. “Mostly because, like I said, I'm probably as tense about that as she'd be. But if she's still worried, I can take off from the room for a while. Something like that.” (Note again — if we tell them what to do, they will actually do it.)

Damn it. Just Do It

As horrified as I am to advise you as such, it does make the most sense — we are doing ourselves a disservice by creating the illusion that we just never have to poop. Excuse yourself boldly, explain yourself honestly, and instruct them what to do with their feedback in a way that works for you. It will be uncomfortable as hell the first time you step up and claim your pooping birthright, but you’ll be setting yourself up for the privacy and respect you need further down the line in your relationships.

But what if you run into a situation like Makela? Where you’ve left a friend behind in the bowl that just won’t flush?

“I would rather you just leave it in the toilet and tell me than pick it up, then put it in your purse,” says my latest crush — a man for his own discretion, and my amusement, I’ll call Mr. Cocky. “Ruins a perfectly good purse.” #giggles. See why I like him?

 Breonna Rodriguez is a Founding Creator and love and relationships blogger. When she's not writing for Vivala.com, you can find her at zenfulie.com.